Coram Deo

I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin- Psalm 38:18

The reality of my sin has overwhelmed me this morning. I’m just trembling  in the presence of a Holy God. My heart is so heavily burdened with grieving the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 4:30). That was me who nailed Jesus on the cross. It was my sin that added to the blood of Jesus. It was my sin that killed God. Sin. My sin. I did it to Him. I wounded the one I love.

I feel a few things: 

1)  Sadness that we live in a fallen world

2) Two of joy that God shed His son’s blood for us. So here I come to the cross of Calvary with nothing but a heavy heart full of sin. 

3) Third, why do we justify sin and delay repentance?  I think this is what bothers me the most. Because I tend to compare myself to other people instead of Scripture’s standards of holiness and moral perfection. 

It’s this feeling of conviction I cannot shake off. Save me from my sins, Oh Lord. But godly sorrow must lead to repentance. 

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death- 2 Corinthians 7:10 

The root of it is idolatry. Idolatry. I think that sin will give me a greater joy and pleasure than Christ when He is more than enough. 

I’m so angry at myself. I’m not going to sit there in an upset state of passivity. I must fight it. God hates sin and I hate sin too. It doesn’t matter. To the world, it is no big deal. But to God, it is. I guess that’s my emotions right now. I am so angry at myself. I’m just filled with it because God has opened up my eyes to my pride. Pride first of all it comes from having that “good girl” image of never having to be done anything “bad” in my life. Never drinking alcohol, never touching a boy, never doing drugs, never getting into that partying scene made me feel like I had an enormous smug degree of self discipline and self control. I thought it was all of my own deeds that sustained me when it was all God’s grace. So this was also a reason for the delayed repentance because I didn’t want to admit anything. Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.- 1 Corinthians 10:12  Not in an antinomian sense, but thank the Lord for grace that can sustain me through this life. 

A part of me is still very prideful in never partaking in any of those things and looking down on people who have. I’m even more angry. I must kill sin. I must because God takes it seriously that He killed His own son.  I think that I can just skate through life with dealing with any more temptations because I’ve done it before. Naturally, my sinful nature is reluctant to admit that I’ve done anything “wrong.” I have this tiny small glimpse of how angry God gets with sin. I long for and ache for the day when sin is no more. Until the day when I see my Savior face to face,  I must run to Christ and flee from sin. 

“Past experiences are doubtful food for Christians; only a current coming to Christ can give us joy or comfort.” - Spurgeon

Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy loving kindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.- Psalm 51:1 

Then sings my soul, my Savior God to thee. 

Amen.